New beginnings..

Yesterday felt like a new beginning, not from the perspective of any major achievements, purely because I came back to blogging after an eternity (or so it seems).

Isn’t it funny when you go back in time and can revisit old memories or perhaps the old you? I was doing that earlier today. I revisited some of my old blog posts, and feel happy revisiting the old me. As a mom, working woman and wife, basically as I grow older, I’ve moved away from the confident independent young woman into someone else. I like the maturity of thought that I have grown into, yet the concept of concerning myself with others opinion (less of me, more of my family) is new to me.

Late last year, I went to a high school friend’s wedding. It was the first time I had travelled alone for a personal reason without my family since my daughter was born. Her birth and journey deserve its own post, but it changed my perspective completely. It was honestly liberating to be with people who knew me even before I became a self assured young woman. These folks knew me when I was the nerd at school, the person crazy about Maths and read books all the time. I didn’t realize that you can miss parts of yourself - it’s less about the memories and more about who I was. I’ve been on a quest to revisit and reaffirm parts of my self from before. I don’t think the intent is to ever go away from the current me, but I needed to connect with my history so that I can realign those memories with my current world view. Today, I read about memory formation and memory redevelopment, perhaps it is my own venture into memory redevelopment :)

Once step at a time... Thanks for reading my words today 💕

Lazy Circles...

My words have always been my salvation, yet for years now I have held back. I am busy in the roles I have chosen to play, actually roles I have embraced as girlfriend, wife, mom and daughter. The transition at times have been smooth like the waves leaving the shore, yet at time feel rough like choppy waves on a craggy rockface. I am not super mom or super woman. I struggle with life, with my daily choices. Being a woman is hard, mom, working mom, stay at home mom, wife, daughter, daughter in law, and the list goes on. The balance of life feels like insurmountable like a mountain ready to swallow me whole and spit out nothing. I wish there was some gyaani working mom t give me life lessons on patience, acceptance, tolerance. My mom always told me, A you should be more patient. I wish I was..

The truth is that there is no universal touchstone to being balanced in your life. Neither is it a destination you reach and stay for the rest of your lives. My balance is chaos some days, it’s recognizing that it may not even be in sight for a few days or months. Balance may be the knowledge of holding your spouse’s hand for a few minutes or rocking your children to sleep. Why do we expect every day, every, minute, every interaction to be thoughtful or peaceful?

I am struggling with my balance today, yet there is no major chaos in my life at work or home. Have you ever been on the beach, looked out at the horizon, the tiny dots of boats or ships and thought “wow they must have a beautiful life”? Yet consider that person’s view - they may be appreciating the view, struggling to earn their livelihood or be on a trip to run from a stressful life. Perspectives are important.

Mine today is a little skewed. I feel like there are major changes coming upon me and mine, but I am not clear about the intent or outcome. When B was in the NICU, every day felt like this. Hope was alive, mainly thanks to my husband and mom and friends. Yet, terror and a lack of knowledge are the bane of my existence. I wonder how other women negotiate this? I wonder how other moms, working moms comba5 this feeling?