New beginnings..

Yesterday felt like a new beginning, not from the perspective of any major achievements, purely because I came back to blogging after an eternity (or so it seems).

Isn’t it funny when you go back in time and can revisit old memories or perhaps the old you? I was doing that earlier today. I revisited some of my old blog posts, and feel happy revisiting the old me. As a mom, working woman and wife, basically as I grow older, I’ve moved away from the confident independent young woman into someone else. I like the maturity of thought that I have grown into, yet the concept of concerning myself with others opinion (less of me, more of my family) is new to me.

Late last year, I went to a high school friend’s wedding. It was the first time I had travelled alone for a personal reason without my family since my daughter was born. Her birth and journey deserve its own post, but it changed my perspective completely. It was honestly liberating to be with people who knew me even before I became a self assured young woman. These folks knew me when I was the nerd at school, the person crazy about Maths and read books all the time. I didn’t realize that you can miss parts of yourself - it’s less about the memories and more about who I was. I’ve been on a quest to revisit and reaffirm parts of my self from before. I don’t think the intent is to ever go away from the current me, but I needed to connect with my history so that I can realign those memories with my current world view. Today, I read about memory formation and memory redevelopment, perhaps it is my own venture into memory redevelopment :)

Once step at a time... Thanks for reading my words today 💕

Lazy Circles...

My words have always been my salvation, yet for years now I have held back. I am busy in the roles I have chosen to play, actually roles I have embraced as girlfriend, wife, mom and daughter. The transition at times have been smooth like the waves leaving the shore, yet at time feel rough like choppy waves on a craggy rockface. I am not super mom or super woman. I struggle with life, with my daily choices. Being a woman is hard, mom, working mom, stay at home mom, wife, daughter, daughter in law, and the list goes on. The balance of life feels like insurmountable like a mountain ready to swallow me whole and spit out nothing. I wish there was some gyaani working mom t give me life lessons on patience, acceptance, tolerance. My mom always told me, A you should be more patient. I wish I was..

The truth is that there is no universal touchstone to being balanced in your life. Neither is it a destination you reach and stay for the rest of your lives. My balance is chaos some days, it’s recognizing that it may not even be in sight for a few days or months. Balance may be the knowledge of holding your spouse’s hand for a few minutes or rocking your children to sleep. Why do we expect every day, every, minute, every interaction to be thoughtful or peaceful?

I am struggling with my balance today, yet there is no major chaos in my life at work or home. Have you ever been on the beach, looked out at the horizon, the tiny dots of boats or ships and thought “wow they must have a beautiful life”? Yet consider that person’s view - they may be appreciating the view, struggling to earn their livelihood or be on a trip to run from a stressful life. Perspectives are important.

Mine today is a little skewed. I feel like there are major changes coming upon me and mine, but I am not clear about the intent or outcome. When B was in the NICU, every day felt like this. Hope was alive, mainly thanks to my husband and mom and friends. Yet, terror and a lack of knowledge are the bane of my existence. I wonder how other women negotiate this? I wonder how other moms, working moms comba5 this feeling?

Simplicity

Set adrift in a pool of melancholy
Greys greens and blue
Myriad like the ocean floor
Swarm to envelop me

City light fade in and out
The radio buzzes like a fly
The drone distracting
Nothing but a passing fancy

Deep slumberous thoughts
Awaken like a monster
Black and cavernous
Obliterating all light

The pinks and purples of the night sky
A beautiful flower with shades of night
Darkness taking over the beauty
My inside reflected outside

Reflections colors emotions
Thoughts feelings multitude
Simplicity is my preference
Yet simple is not an option for all

By
Angela Vincent @ 7.32p on 10/20/17

My warrior

A tiny heartbeat
Before she was born
Under my heart
And she stole my heart

A team in disray
Scrambling to bring her safe
They ask us the question
Do you want us to save this child?

A moment etched in my mind
Think about what it means
Your child’s life is on a hold
Waiting for your yes or no

We had no qualms
No hesitation with a yes
Even as they swarmed in
Along with uncertainty and terror

She is a fighter
A warrior
Our princess
More than that, she is our miracle...

Years have passed
She fights through it all
Therapies, doctors, specialists
School, hospitalizations, everything

She does it with a smile
A trusting heart
And a flair for art
I love her passion, her knowledge, just her.

We are back again
In the hospital
Thanks to mr.bug and preemie lungs
I would trade anything
For her to be spared

The team is amazed
At how far she has come
I am too
But I hurt when she does

There is no single truth
That defines all our children
My son and daughter are like night and day
Yet each is a miracle in their own right

Prayers and faith I believe in
Our clinical team I trust in
My husband is my touchstone
One day at a time, we move forward

Many do not trust in my story
They are not witness to a miracle, you see
My child, my warrior princess
She is real and she will slay.

Momma’s instinct
is a thing rumored
before I had my children
Now it’s honed in fires
So I trust in it forever.

No end to this story as yet
Writing helps me heal
I love the strong women in my life
who inspire me on how to be strong for her.

- By Angela Vincent
6.57am on Oct11th as I sit by my daughter’s bed in the hospital.

Midnight Ramblings

Hazy clouds drift by
Shrouding my face tonight
Thoughts flit by
Every second tonight

I wonder where I lost myself
In the sea of life
The one I was I no longer am
Yet I crave the feel of me...

Scarred battle worn by life
I feel not the blood or sores
Some visible some invisible
I prepare myself for more

Is this what life is meant to be?
The life I dreamt as a kid
Dreams feel weary and false
What happened to the thread of life?

My silver lining
My rainbows and gold
My babies fast asleep
Snuggling while I stay out cold

Words come easy to me
My words my view
It's been a long time
Since I've given them the freedom so...

Why did I stop?
Why do I start?
I know not the answer to..
Yet glad I am that
My words are stripping free..

Gold and brown
Pink and blues
Colors I see around
Calm and strength
My choice I made for me

stars on canvas

Stars on Canvas

tiny flecks of light

shining far above

a temptresses beckoning

her true love

i reach my hands out

when i see them dropping

becoming bright stars

falling from the night sky

their light white and warm

tempting me with their heat

so close yet so far

forever just beyond my grasp

they fall like droplets

onto my canvas

brilliant colors shining true

clear against the pitch black

i felt their warmth

the hope of catching it alive

yet seeing the beauty on my canvas

leaves a hole in my heart

i wonder why it hurts to think

about what did not happen

when the dream of the next star shower

opens up unending possibilities...

By

Angela A. Vincent

5/26/11 5.50pm

A voice for the victims..

Memories..

Memories are funny
sometimes they are beautiful
like pearls on a delicate string
sometimes they are transient
like the ripple in a pond

memories are interesting
sometimes they make us reflect on past actions
like light on the polished edge of a pebble
sometimes they make us wonder
like a child seeing their first firefly

memories are fascinating
sometimes they are wonderful
like the night sky lit with moonbeams
sometimes they make us cry
like our world is falling apart

memories are fulfilling
sometimes they lead to silent tears
like raindrops on a cloudless night
sometimes they help us relive our favorite moments
like the time spent plaiting my grandmother's hair :)

regardless of how we get there
or where they take us
our memories define our actions
they tell us who we were, who we are
and even where we may be headed next...

By,
Angela Archana Vincent

Elections...

Elections usually elicit a feeling of neutral boredom among young adults. If you analyze the voters in any modern day elections, we usually notice that the majority are baby-boomers, mostly male (especially in the developing countries)..In the US, President Obama's election campaign was characterized by an organized focus on reaching out to minorities, women and young adults..As they approach the mid-term elections, all the public surveys are focused on what the public thinks and feels about specific issues that will cause the voting results to 'turn'..however, in all the humdrum we forget the basics..the right to vote..why is it important for any citizen in any country to exercise that right?

I was waiting at my optometrist's office the other day and ended up reading an article about the women who fought for the right to vote..these women suffered, they were tortured and beaten because they demanded the right to vote..this suffering did not occur in an obscure third world country..they occurred right here at home in the US and it occurred only about a 100 years ago..their struggle and beliefs formed the foundation for every American woman's right to vote. On Aug. 26, 1920, the Susan B. Anthony Amendment became law, and 20 million American women won the right to vote. Almost 90 years to the exact date, I wonder how many young American women even recognize the importance of this right.

I do not mean to imply by any means that only American women are faced with this challenge. Citizens of all countries across this world take their rights for granted. We celebrate our independence days with gusto, we watch the national and local elections keenly, yet rarely if ever do we go and vote - exercise our right and duty to select our leaders. Granted in some countries, voting is such a miserable process that you may feel disheartened to even consider going to vote. Yet, isn't the mere action of non-voting similar to illegal voting practices?

My first reaction when I read the article about the Iron-Jawed Angels was anger on their behalf, and pride in their strength. Yet, I couldn't hide from the fact that I have never voted in any local or national elections. As I spout my indignation at women for not appreciating their freedom to vote, I recognize that I have been a party to that same mistake.

The story of these iron jawed angels has pushed me towards the first step of fulfilling my rights as a citizen - exercising my right to vote. This right and story is not meant to motivate only other women to vote, all the men and women need to recognize the challenges their predecessors faced to build a country where you have the freedom and the right to vote.

a new year...

the sound of splashing woke me up
I peeked outside and saw the kids
lounging by the pool, young and care free
their laughter and splashing, my alarm today

a honeybee flies past my nose
its bzz sound pesky to my ear
until i saw it sitting on the rose bush
the perfect start to spring and summer

my neighbors were up
i heard their puppy yelping
as i wave to them over the fence
i hear the sizzle of their grill

families and friends get together
to celebrate life and its seasons
the arrival of summer
and the departure of winter..

a new season is here again
a new year is here again
another one to enjoy and adore
full of blessings for us to explore..