Words in my mind :)

Words jumbled together
No hierarchy exists
Chaos reigns supreme
In my mind today

Words strung together
Like pearls on a string
Peaceful and serene
In my mind today

Words restless and free
Like a balloon in the sky
Wild and anxious
In my mind today

Words tethered and tangled
Like a cow in a barn
Demanding to be free
In my mind today

Words sleepy and tired
Like a child after play
Mumbling and murmuring
In my mind today

- Jan 9th 2020

I miss home today, in its most essential form. It partly has to do with memories of family and growing up. I never thought I would find one place that could find its way into my heart as home. I have traveled all my life, home became my family, not the house, not the place, not my friends. Home, now, is still my family, my children, this place we built our life together. Yet home also is the one where I went from being a child to becoming a young woman. Toronto and Baltimore have a special place in my heart. Tonight, I miss those homes - the snowclad streets of TO as I fought through TTC stops and puffy winter jackets, warm Timmy’s dates with my sister and long walks with my mom. I miss Baltimore, the hustle and bustle of Homewood campus, my first ever apartment, walks to cold stone creamery with my friends, and my long rambling evenings lost in the Barnes and Noble. I don’t know if I miss the times gone by, the people or the places. I know that when I revisit those places, my heart literally freezes trying to rewind all those memories. I have to remind myself those were good times, this here now is a great time and the future will be phenomenal as well. Sometimes it works, sometimes I feel anxious like I am trying to convince myself but failing miserably. I never had a yen to revisit those places I lived in as a child, but these two towns call to my soul like only one other place. The third place which calls to my soul when I am away for more than a week...my home with my husband and kids in DFW. Home. Blessed. 

Deluge

My life seems to be caught in a vortex
I am spinning out of control
Yet I can’t make it stop
My love my blessings all caught up in it
While I watch the tears fly away from my eyes

Divine intervention about now
Would be wonderful
A show of power and love
To make me understand the Almighty
While I drown in a deluge of rain

Impending Storm

A storm is coming
I can smell it in the air
Turbulent clouds all around
Grey pink black and blue

The sun is hiding out today
Scurrying begins the dark clouds
A storm is coming
I can smell it in the air

My chest feels tight
The words stuck somewhere
Anger hurt love mad
All mixed around inside me

A storm is coming today
I can feel it within me
Words tears emotions high
A torrential outpouring coming through

Rain drops fall down my sill
Thunder and lightning sizzle nearby
A storm is coming today
I can see it all around me

A flash of lightning
Something is on fire
I smell the smoke and hear the sirens
I hope everyone’s safe

Soon it’s calm again
I see dark skies
The lightning and rain are almost gone
The storm has made its way

I’m waiting for the sun to rise
For the clouds to transition out
The storm is gone
Inside and out...

By
Angela Archana Vincent @ 9.11p on 10/27

Untitled

I don’t know what I want to say today. Words form my world, words I read, words I say, words I type. Yet today my words seem to be failing me. 7 years ago, when my world came to standstill words were my salvation. I wrote letters to my daughter like a maniac, staring into her isolate, holding her tiny hand, my words were my respite. I have never shared those words with another soul, not even completely with my husband. They are for her only, when she is old enough to understand. Almost 13yrs ago, when another rock came hurling at my family, I turned to words. Yet today, my words fail me. Perhaps this poetry will soothe my soul for tonight....

It feels like a craving
A heady rush
The need debilitating 
Yet indescribable 

How do I explain my angst
To those that turn deaf
I don’t want riches
I merely want words

Life feels incomplete
Even as I jump and twirl
I laugh with abandon
Yet inside I feel alone

Part of the joy of giving
Is seeing others happy
I am not like the giving tree
Ready to burn down till I am no more

How do I balance
Me and my world
Every time I try
I get pushed back some more

Hope is eternal
A woman’s strength is too
No matter what faces me
I will forge through...

My will is not iron
It is pliable yet strong
I focus on my world
My will is to survive

Each step ahead
A tiny measure of confidence
No matter what lies ahead
I lead chin up and straight ahead..

- Angela A Vincent
@4.38p Sep 30

Being a millennial Mom

I’ve read about the helicopter parent, the tiger parent and even the trophy parent (considers their kids trophies for photo-ops), but I haven’t read about being a millennial mom. Add in a preemie mom, special needs mom, crazy south Asian working mom and you have a pretty wacky mix ☺️ Being a millennial mom, in my mind, signifies a challenge of dealing with the mobile technology revolution, video game crazies, academic achievements and old world traditions.

When I talk to my friends from South Asia or the new age parents (is that the right word?), they tend to prefer the old world traditions. They don’t seem to want any of the millennial and gen x, y, etc influences on their kiddos. They always talk about the good old days. My perspective is different and hopefully not unique - I grew up in a world with no internet, old school phones. I spent my teens figuring out technology, most of which we use today. I love some of the things we did back in the day  growing up and I adore the convenience and challenges afforded to me by technological advances.

I want my children to embrace technology and the knowledge and skills it offers yet be aware and tread carefully among the virtual land mines. It is a tricky balance but is it really different than dealing with real world land mines? How do you teach your children to be aware of stranger danger, be kind to other children, trust their instincts? Aren’t those the same skills you would teach them in this new era as well? Being an ostrich and wanting the old world isn’t going to make my kids reality go away. In fact it may alienate them, so I embrace it with caution.

Honestly, I use the same approach when it comes to healthcare and technology. Technological advancement in healthcare and evidence based research enabled the possibility of a micropreemie child the chance at survival and wonderful outcomes. My daughter changed my entire perception of the world and my role in it with her arrival as a micropreemie. I embrace healthcare and technological advancements because of her. Someone somewhere believed in the possibility, and I am eternally grateful for them. When she was a newborn, everyone from the docs and nurses to family and friends (well meaning) would give me stats of survival and positive outcomes. My question was always the same, I do not care what the outcomes and possibilities of all the general population, I only care about this one child and her outcome. So, parenting ideologies are varied, but all I care about is what is the correct balance that will give my children the best outcomes.

New beginnings..

Yesterday felt like a new beginning, not from the perspective of any major achievements, purely because I came back to blogging after an eternity (or so it seems).

Isn’t it funny when you go back in time and can revisit old memories or perhaps the old you? I was doing that earlier today. I revisited some of my old blog posts, and feel happy revisiting the old me. As a mom, working woman and wife, basically as I grow older, I’ve moved away from the confident independent young woman into someone else. I like the maturity of thought that I have grown into, yet the concept of concerning myself with others opinion (less of me, more of my family) is new to me.

Late last year, I went to a high school friend’s wedding. It was the first time I had travelled alone for a personal reason without my family since my daughter was born. Her birth and journey deserve its own post, but it changed my perspective completely. It was honestly liberating to be with people who knew me even before I became a self assured young woman. These folks knew me when I was the nerd at school, the person crazy about Maths and read books all the time. I didn’t realize that you can miss parts of yourself - it’s less about the memories and more about who I was. I’ve been on a quest to revisit and reaffirm parts of my self from before. I don’t think the intent is to ever go away from the current me, but I needed to connect with my history so that I can realign those memories with my current world view. Today, I read about memory formation and memory redevelopment, perhaps it is my own venture into memory redevelopment :)

Once step at a time... Thanks for reading my words today 💕

Lazy Circles...

My words have always been my salvation, yet for years now I have held back. I am busy in the roles I have chosen to play, actually roles I have embraced as girlfriend, wife, mom and daughter. The transition at times have been smooth like the waves leaving the shore, yet at time feel rough like choppy waves on a craggy rockface. I am not super mom or super woman. I struggle with life, with my daily choices. Being a woman is hard, mom, working mom, stay at home mom, wife, daughter, daughter in law, and the list goes on. The balance of life feels like insurmountable like a mountain ready to swallow me whole and spit out nothing. I wish there was some gyaani working mom t give me life lessons on patience, acceptance, tolerance. My mom always told me, A you should be more patient. I wish I was..

The truth is that there is no universal touchstone to being balanced in your life. Neither is it a destination you reach and stay for the rest of your lives. My balance is chaos some days, it’s recognizing that it may not even be in sight for a few days or months. Balance may be the knowledge of holding your spouse’s hand for a few minutes or rocking your children to sleep. Why do we expect every day, every, minute, every interaction to be thoughtful or peaceful?

I am struggling with my balance today, yet there is no major chaos in my life at work or home. Have you ever been on the beach, looked out at the horizon, the tiny dots of boats or ships and thought “wow they must have a beautiful life”? Yet consider that person’s view - they may be appreciating the view, struggling to earn their livelihood or be on a trip to run from a stressful life. Perspectives are important.

Mine today is a little skewed. I feel like there are major changes coming upon me and mine, but I am not clear about the intent or outcome. When B was in the NICU, every day felt like this. Hope was alive, mainly thanks to my husband and mom and friends. Yet, terror and a lack of knowledge are the bane of my existence. I wonder how other women negotiate this? I wonder how other moms, working moms comba5 this feeling?

Simplicity

Set adrift in a pool of melancholy
Greys greens and blue
Myriad like the ocean floor
Swarm to envelop me

City light fade in and out
The radio buzzes like a fly
The drone distracting
Nothing but a passing fancy

Deep slumberous thoughts
Awaken like a monster
Black and cavernous
Obliterating all light

The pinks and purples of the night sky
A beautiful flower with shades of night
Darkness taking over the beauty
My inside reflected outside

Reflections colors emotions
Thoughts feelings multitude
Simplicity is my preference
Yet simple is not an option for all

By
Angela Vincent @ 7.32p on 10/20/17

My warrior

A tiny heartbeat
Before she was born
Under my heart
And she stole my heart

A team in disray
Scrambling to bring her safe
They ask us the question
Do you want us to save this child?

A moment etched in my mind
Think about what it means
Your child’s life is on a hold
Waiting for your yes or no

We had no qualms
No hesitation with a yes
Even as they swarmed in
Along with uncertainty and terror

She is a fighter
A warrior
Our princess
More than that, she is our miracle...

Years have passed
She fights through it all
Therapies, doctors, specialists
School, hospitalizations, everything

She does it with a smile
A trusting heart
And a flair for art
I love her passion, her knowledge, just her.

We are back again
In the hospital
Thanks to mr.bug and preemie lungs
I would trade anything
For her to be spared

The team is amazed
At how far she has come
I am too
But I hurt when she does

There is no single truth
That defines all our children
My son and daughter are like night and day
Yet each is a miracle in their own right

Prayers and faith I believe in
Our clinical team I trust in
My husband is my touchstone
One day at a time, we move forward

Many do not trust in my story
They are not witness to a miracle, you see
My child, my warrior princess
She is real and she will slay.

Momma’s instinct
is a thing rumored
before I had my children
Now it’s honed in fires
So I trust in it forever.

No end to this story as yet
Writing helps me heal
I love the strong women in my life
who inspire me on how to be strong for her.

- By Angela Vincent
6.57am on Oct11th as I sit by my daughter’s bed in the hospital.